The Horrors of 40’s and other advice we didn’t listen to because our walkmans were turned up too loud


For the most part, let me say, I LOVE being in my 40’s. I can stay up late if I want to, make s’mores over my electric range with no one to judge me, (while becoming the stuff of Hero Worship from my 8 year old daughter for it!) I can cast a mature, stern look at the latest celebrity train wreck, while simultaneously feeling a hot flash wash of relief inwardly, that they didn’t have Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube in my day, to catch all my juvenile antics in suspended, captured, shamery.

I can dance down the grocery aisle while picking out my pasta, dental floss, and Mylanta, embarrassing my offspring to no end, because the music they play now in the grocery store sounds so hip and happening for the first time in my life. (Remember all those songs we could only listen to on our Walkman in the back seat of our parents station wagons heading to church, blaring the sinful lyrics as if trying to “Binge Sin” before having to repent?) Our days of “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” with Lou Reed may have earned us eternal groundation, but is seen as snooze worthy by today’s standards.

Me and My Mom...who taught me to face my 40's with bravery and Ferocity!
Me and My Mom…who taught me to face my 40’s with bravery and Ferocity!

Lately, I’ve noticed subtle changes that scratch my paint-chipped ego, like a wayward grocery cart …Good Stuff like “Gone Daddy Gone” by the Violent Femmes, is sadly being relegated as dreaded elevator music in department stores! Bitter betrayals abound, and I refuse to go out like this! I have started taking notes:

The Love Tryst between the FDA and my Optometrist
Oh, I’m taking good notes Food and Drug Administration, in 18 pt font notes! When did you and my optometrist start “Seeing” each other? Surely, the idea to start making print smaller and smaller is also in collusion with Windows, and other companies trying to vie for my squinting sanity! I will admit it took me over a year after my eyesight first started failing me, I couldn’t figure out why bringing the bottle closer to my eyeballs failed to fix the problem.

“Hey Honey, could you take this Children’s Motrin bottle down to aisle 5? Yeah….I still can barely make out the warning…try aisle 8… ”

These are a few of my Un-Favorite Things: Whiskers on Kittens….fine. Whiskers on me????

So, what evolutionary reason would we possibly have for latent facial hair on women? Do older women need to grow their own ear muffs? Are we turning into squirrels? As if the eye twitching wasn’t enough, I’ve noticed this fine downy “elder fuzz” growing on my cheek bones and jaw line. My mustache seems almost “dignified” and with current popularity with facial hair, perhaps, I will be the peak of fashion. I’ll just give it a thoughtful twirl as I wink at my wife as if in deep contemplation of esoteric mysteries, watching the horror claim her expression.

I have the Sex Drive of a Super Hero, but can’t remember where I parked my invisible jet.
The forgetful part gets to me. Having ADD/ADHD is gift enough, but then adding it with a chance of extra Cloudiness? Come On now! For example…

So, we are alone, and finally have all the time in the world to “Make some Magic Happen”. I slip into the shower to loofah, and shave, and exfoliate, plucking extra chin whiskers out, seductively rubbing a little extra concealer under the bottom eyelids that look as though they have had a permanent veranda build over them.

My wife is busy watching football or some sport with yelling. Casually I go to the kitchen to fill up some water ( to keep properly hydrated for all our salacious activities!) Two hours later, I have completely cleaned the sink, cured it of it’s mildew infiltration, re-organized the refrigerator shelves, pulled out all the expired dairy products and produce, and made a grocery list for the next pot luck. What was I supposed to be doing again????

From the next room “Touchdown!!” (Well, at least somebody scored…it just wasn’t the Home Team I was rooting for.)

All I did was take a pan out of the oven and my back went out? WTF?

In general, we try to stay active, push our bodies to the limits, get pumped watching a whole bunch of Insanity Workouts, and call our girlfriends for a lunch date. I suppose that some of the zing and zip is zapped. I look forward to my nights home with the family, I covet my flannel pj’s, and I can relax within my own body. I might not be the hard bodied gal, but I earned my curves. My strength lies with what I have the ability to overcome and the experiences I have already endured. I don’t begrudge the 20 year old with the super abs, I just don’t need to be in competition for that attention.

Confidence is Sexy. Intelligence is Sexy. Being a loving Mom who squeezes in that “one more bedtime story” can be a more than decent catch. There’s not much a little wine, cheese, chocolate, and good lovin’ can’t fix for me. I will usually sacrifice the first three for a chance at the last one, but take what I can get. Which brings me to…..

Vajazzling: Is it for you? I don’t know one lesbian who would EVER think that’s a good idea, but especially in my 40’s. “Grounds keeping” is all well and good for the Garden of Eden, but heart and kitty stickers does not a vulva need. I think we are aware of the true vistas of paradise and no extra bling and crystal enhancements are needed there Susie Sparkles.

I’m going to pass those stickers on to my daughter for her My Lil Pony Lunch tote. A much better use for it.

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